Summer is here, bringing with it poolside fun, beach outings, and sunny days. However, for many kids, comments made at the pool can have a lasting effect on their body image and self-esteem. As parents, the things we say (often without realizing it) can influence how our children perceive their bodies, food, and self-worth for years to come.
In this post, we’ll suggest more positive, empowering alternatives to help promote confidence and body acceptance.
Here’s what not to say, why it’s problematic, and what to say instead:
“Honey, the two-piece doesn’t fit you.”
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- What parents mean: Parents may be concerned about comfort, fit, or appropriateness, and want to help their child find a swimsuit that works better.
- Why it’s problematic: Even though this statement is meant to be helpful, it suggests that the child’s body isn’t “right” for that swimsuit, potentially sparking feelings of shame or self-consciousness.
- What to say instead: Focus on the fit of the swimsuit, not the body.
You could say something like: “This one feels a little tight, doesn’t it? Let’s find one that feels more comfortable so you can move and play easier!” or “Swimsuits come in all different shapes and sizes, just like people. We just need to find the one that fits you best.”
The goal is to keep the focus on comfort, freedom to move, and finding the right clothes for their body — without implying there’s anything wrong with their body.
“You look so much better in that swimsuit now that you have thinned out”
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- What parents mean: Parents may want to compliment their child’s appearance after noticing physical changes from a growth spurt, weight loss, or going through puberty, however they are likely noticing their child is standing taller, with more pride and perhaps feeling more at ease in their body.
- Why it’s problematic: The above comment links their appearance of looking good to now and not before. This remark may make your child/teen misinterpret that their body was not good enough before; that their body was too large or they were too much in every way. It may cause a fear that their body may change again and you may not approve.
- What to say instead: I love seeing you smile. Your happiness is contagious. You seem to be standing taller and more confident. I noticed you have more energy. I love you no matter what.
“You shouldn’t swim too much. You don’t want to get too wide on top.”
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- What parents mean: Parents, particularly of girls, may worry about their child becoming too “athletic,” “bulky,” or developing muscles that don’t fit societal beauty standards.
- Why it’s problematic: This message suggests that strength and muscle development are undesirable, reinforcing the harmful idea that certain body types are bad or unappealing. These messages can create negative associations with physical activity and discourage the child from fully enjoying the benefits of exercise.
- What to say instead: “Swimming is one of the best exercises for endurance. Let’s consider cross-training with other forms of movement to complement swimming and prevent injuries. What other forms of movement would you enjoy that will support your swimming? Let’s think of things that will support mind-body awareness.
“You won’t be able to fit into your swimsuit if you keep eating that much.”
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- What parents mean: Parents usually mean this as a warning about overeating or gaining weight.
- Why it’s problematic: This statement can encourage restrictive eating and may suggest that the child cannot trust their hunger/fullness cues or trust themselves to decide what and how much to eat.
- What to say instead: “Honey, I have noticed lately that you complain of bellyaches, indigestion and/or getting overheated after eating, most specifically after eating dinner and dessert together. Sometimes you have even shared that you are tired after you eat. Have you noticed this? Let’s think about slowing down at meal time and being curious as to what amount and or type of food creates an energized feeling versus a feeling weak or tired.”
“You’re getting too old for a swimsuit like that.”
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- What parents mean: Parents may feel that a child shouldn’t wear certain styles of swimsuits, or that certain swimsuits become inappropriate once a child reaches a certain age or level of maturity.
- Why it’s problematic: This comment suggests that certain bodies or clothing styles are only “appropriate” at certain ages, which can create unnecessary pressure. This message may also lead a child to feel self-conscious or worry about fitting in socially, especially when other kids might be wearing similar styles with confidence.
- What to say instead: “Let’s find a suit that meets these three criteria: you like the way it looks, you like how it fits your body, and you feel confident wearing it.”
“Don’t you think you should try to lose a few pounds before summer?”
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- What parents mean: This comment can come from parents worrying about their child fitting in poolside, worrying about bullying, or worrying about their child’s health.
- Why it’s problematic: This comment promotes the idea that their body needs to change appearance to be acceptable or lovable. This remark could encourage unhealthy behaviors like dieting or body dissatisfaction.
- What to say instead: “Lets get your wellness visit before the start of summer. Let’s see how the inside of your body is functioning by checking labs, blood pressure, and heart rate.” (Focus on the inside workings of the body not the appearance of the body).
“I feel so fat today.”
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- What parents mean: Parents usually say this when they feel uncomfortable in their own bodies.
- Why it’s problematic: Children often pick up on their parents’ self-talk, and hearing negative comments about their parents’ bodies can contribute to them developing similar negative self-perceptions. These negative comments can also send the message that physical appearance is something to be constantly scrutinized or criticized.
What to say instead: “I’m feeling uncomfortable in my body today. I know nothing has changed but I am having a harder emotional day. I know this feeling is temporary. I am going to wear my favorite outfit today and try to smile so I actually start to feel better.”
